I've come to realize that what I thought was mine was never mine at all.
The experiences we shared were not unique.
The moments that seemed so intimate and sincere are being easily replicated with someone else as your co-star.
Nothing that occurred between us was sacred... Nothing at all.
How naive I can be, to believe that I was different... That somehow I was special to you.
But now I realize that you were never ever mine...
Those moments between us were never ever ours...
You made them into community property.
You mass-produce those moments so that each woman in your life has a matching set.
I don't want what everyone else has...
I don't want moments that are repeatable...
I don't want to be a temporary stand in.
I wanted to be "the one" but it's clear I was only one of many.
You were my "one" until you made it obvious that you were never mine at all.
And now I cling to tainted memories that are being re-lived by you with someone else...
It pains me to know that I am forgettable... That your time with can be duplicated... That your loving words to me, your glances, your touch can all be reenacted in the same tone with the same feeling to someone who's not me.
Incredibly, I continue to long to be "her"... To share with you moments that are ours alone.
1/16/10 - 1 train downtown
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I cannot explain how often I think of this. I hate to think that every passing moment that we shared together can be replaced as if it never happened. That at times I wish to be her, his past, to see if our moments even compare. I dont want to be temporary but yet I feel like I'm holding her seat until she gets back. Is it all in my head, sometimes I would like to think so but then I see her name on his wall and reality hits me, he's still in love with her. Sometimes I wish I was her.
ReplyDeleteThis one really got to me wow, Sorry if I ranted.