Music, sounds... you

There's nothing like live music... Nothing quite sounds like an 11-piece band. As they begin to play, the sound swells into the room filling every cavity of this cavernous place. Every nook and cranny of my being is filled with music... It pours out from my pores and fills the space between my ears with such contentment and rightness. As they sing the words 'Whatever you do don't make the same mistakes...' My devious mind does exactly what I've asked (prayed) for it not to do... It turns to you. And now suddenly the crescendo of horns and violin strings represent the dark clouds that have once again formed over us. Aren't you the same mistake I keep making over and over again? Now the musical melodies have turned against me. Instead of distracting they act as a sieve... Sifting out all thoughts except those of you and me and the fine muddled mess we find ourselves in once again. Another set of lyrics break through my troubled thoughts: 'We are only what they want us to be...' And am I not (in your eyes) the bad guy you've made me out to be? The bad guy you seem to want me to be? I am quite suddenly overcome with a weariness so bone deep it hurts. My mind drifts to words recently spoken and moments recently lived and I'm trying to make sense of a nonsensical thing and it frustrates me and saddens me and pains me... Deeply. Aren't we too old for this? Isn't there too much in life to enjoy that we should instead spend our time wounding one another? Can't I listen to a song without having cause for it to lead me down mental paths I rather not tread? I'm tired... So tired of becoming a flayed raw bloody mess around you... Because of you… Because of me. I'm torn between using my words to hurt you when I'd much rather we just get along. And this music - this wonderful live music has become a living soundtrack for torturous thoughts. What good is it for me to see where I went wrong if you won't give me a chance to voice it? What does it matter that I was hurt badly once again - if you won't hear me? If you don't care? And so I wonder why I've allowed my joyous musical moment to degrade itself into unsheathed reminders with sharp blades... Cutting deeply and forcefully.

Emmanuel and the Fear performance @ Le Poisson Rouge - 8/20/10