Reaffirmation

Have you ever messed up so badly that you can't believe you did whatever it was you just did? How do you feel when you uncover your seemingly catastrophic mistake? Yesterday I made a mistake... Today I've learned about it. The feeling that comes over me originates right from the base of my stomach. It's what I imagine blanched vegetables must feel like: taken from a pot of boiling hot water and then dipped unceremoniously into a vat of ice cold water. A wave of coldness comes over me that can't seem to quell the boiling heat still emanating from the pit of my stomach.

I hate that feeling... I despise that sensation. And there's no cure for it. I simply need to let it take its course. In the meantime I try my best to undo the damage of my carelessness. Trying to stem a flood although I don't yet know how big this flood is. Feeling helpless and stupid. So so stupid. How could I be so dumb? I stepped outside my regular pattern without meaning to and now I'm faced with the results of this transgression. My happy Saturday went by the wayside... A casualty of Friday's stupidity. DOA as of 1:38pm. My carefree feeling as I walk down 1st Avenue on a beautiful summer day has been wiped clean. And I have no one to blame or share the blame with but myself.

18 minutes later my Saturday continues... I've done what repair work I can do from where I am. I try to re-engage in what I was doing before 1:38pm. Trying valiantly to resuscitate my Saturday. I open my mouth and words come out. I pick up my yakitori skewer and chew... and chew some more. All of its deliciousness now wasted on a palate that tastes nothing but the acridity of my own high-strung nerves. My eyes look around, seeing without really seeing. This is what it must be like for zombies. How sad. Unable to engage my senses in the plethora of opportunities that surround me. The needle has slipped off of my internal mental record - I'm stuck on repeat.

My companion and I leave the restaurant and ease our way up to 72nd Street. Poor thing, she's now as much a victim of my stupidity as I am. Stuck with someone who just can't let go and make the most of this beautiful day. Quite suddenly a light bulb comes on in the recesses of my brain: Cupcakes! And just as quickly I was sure if I only had a red velvet cupcake from the Buttercup Bake Shop I would feel better. Oh, I knew this one indulgence wouldn't solve my problems or erase my mistake but I was convinced that if anything could get me back to enjoying my day (at least more so than I had been enjoying it) this would be it. Maybe that's flawed fat girl logic in action but it seemed like pretty sound thinking to me.

I'm filled with purpose now and it's slowly (too slowly if you ask me) combating that hideous blanched sensation, kind of like white blood cells gathering up to fight off whatever ails me (just make me well again, dammit!). Every fiber of my being rallies behind this plan. Come on m72 bus! Hurry your big bulky automobile ass over here!!!! The bus arrives and I scream, "Buttercup Bake Shop, stat!" to the bus driver. Ok... Perhaps that was an internal silent scream but you get my point, right? This was urgent!

Finally, we arrive to our destination. With the red velvet cupcake in sight, it's sad that I'm so much more anticipating the curative effects of this way over priced baked treat than what it's yummy goodness is intended for. I pay for my treat and my friend's german chocolate selection. As I walk to the table clutching the small plastic plate that held my much needed bounty, Coldplay's song 'Sparks' comes on... It's a song that I've heard so many times over the years and know all of the words to. And to everyone else in the shop it was just another song on the play list, but to me in that very moment it was God's voice. And He sang to me "But I promise you this, I'll always look out for you. That's what I'll do."

That's when I knew that coming to this bakeshop wasn't about some delicious cupcake that could somehow make things feel not as horrid as they were. No... This visit to this shop was about hearing these precise words when I needed to hear them most. There's not one speck of doubt within me that leads me to interpret it any other way. I realized all of this right away. I proceeded to sit down and participate in genuine conversation with my amiga while eating every last crumb of that red velvety goodness. I can't say that all was well in my world right after that but I was able to salvage my Saturday enough to find some enjoyment in the rest of that day... More importantly, I was reminded that no matter how badly or how often I mess up in this life, I won't be abandoned. A benevolent someone or something, so much greater than me and any mistake I could ever commit or fathom, is looking out for me. Knowing that makes me feel good.

Tori Shin, west bound m72 bus, Buttercup Bake Shop and uptown 1 train - 8/21/10