Yet again, I digress

I don't know why it is that when I'm around you I feel as if I can't give voice to what I want to say. My words seem trapped deep within me so I stay silent and just look at you knowing that you expect something to be said. So more often then naught we talk about you - I learn things about you I never knew before and you repeat things you've told me or shown me many times before. All the while those unspoken words burn within me...

As I talk to you I'm only capable of uttering half-truths, expressing incomplete thoughts, making partial statements... I say things like "no, I don't want you", "no I'm not attracted to you" I say it like it's final but in truth I lie because how could I not want you? It's obvious that I am attracted to you... You know that I'm lying but how do I put into words that I don't want to want you? How do I let you know that feeling this way about you hurts me to the core? I'm scared to speak those words out loud because I don't want to make them any more real then what they are. If I don't say them then it's like it isn't so. If I don't tell you then you can't have the power to knowingly hurt me. Although I can justify the cause for not saying them, those words still burn fiercely deep within me.... struggling to get out.

Fall/Winter 2009